How to Get Your Unmet Needs Met

How to Get Your Unmet Needs Met

Sat, 06/19/2010 - 00:13 |

Margot

How many times have you suddenly become angry or sad when your beloved said something to you? The crazy thing is most of us have no real idea why we react negatively to certain comments, situations, and experiences with our mates. We simply believe that it's the way we are, or something we need to stop doing. We may even beat ourselves up for getting upset, yet simply don't know how to stop reacting negatively. The truth is that what causes limiting emotions like anger, sadness, hurt, frustration, or jealousy is simply an unmet universal human need. That's right! Behind every negative feeling state is an unmet need generating that intense emotional reaction. Of course we have many different levels of needs. We have basic survival needs such as food, water, shelter that thankfully most of us have met and often take for granted. We also have universal social, relationship, and spiritual needs. Some common needs, that when unmet, can cause much relationship strife are the need for connection, approval, to be understood, stability, security, intimacy, spontaneity, etc.

When you discover the unmet needs behind your negative emotional reactions, and learn to get these needs satisfied, your entire being can relax and completely open to love. Once the human part can rest and know that its needs are taken care of, you can move into an entirely different way of connecting with your partner. You can interact from a more soulful level where you connect heart to heart, and truly embrace your beloved. Here are three steps you can take to get your unmet needs met:

1. Center Yourself
When you are triggered, the rational centered you is no longer running the show. Instead the limbic or more primitive part of your brain takes over and starts fearing for its survival. This part of the brain goes into an adrenalized fight or flight response as an attempt to insure survival and get its needs met. The easiest way to recenter yourself is to take a few deep breaths. Oxygen helps you move out of the limbic part of your brain back into the rational thinking frontal lobe. Studies show that it can take 20 minutes or so for this to fully take place. So give yourself at least 20 minutes to calm down and get centered before moving to step #2.

2. Find Your Unmet Need
Now ask yourself, "What is the unmet need that has triggered this response?" In relationships, they tend to be needs that have to do with connection such as being understood, listened to, acknowledged, respected, etc. Take a good hard look and ask yourself, "What am I really wanting from my partner that I'm not getting right now in this interaction or in general in the relationship?" It's important to look beyond the superficial behavior change or thing your mind is asking your spouse for to what is creating this demand in the first place. So for instance, if you feel that you need your spouse to be home in time for dinner, the unmet need may be feeling connected to your spouse, or appreciated.

3. Express Your Unmet Need
Now that you've isolated your unmet need, it's time to clearly communicate this to your partner. The purpose of this communication is not necessarily to get your partner to meet your needs, it's to open up a dialogue where both of you can work together jointly towards meeting your need. In some situations, it may simply be up to you to meet your need, while in other cases your beloved may be able to support you. The most effective way to express your unmet need is by using the following sentence as a template. Just fill in the blanks according to what in particular you are experiencing. "When you say or do _______, I feel__________. This triggers the unmet need of _____________. Can you please support me in finding a way to get my unmet need met?"

It's important to remember that pretending you don't have needs only creates more havoc in your relationships. The more you open up and share your feelings and unmet needs with your beloved, the stronger and more intimate your connection becomes.

Many Blessings to You,
Margot

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