How to Stop Feeling Judged By Your Partner

How to Stop Feeling Judged By Your Partner

Fri, 09/17/2010 - 04:02 |

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Here are 5 steps that you can take to stop feeling judged by your mate and others, and start feeling more loved and validated.

1. Find Your Perceived Judgments
Look inside and ask yourself, "What are the judgments I think my mate is making about me?" Remember that these are perceived judgments. In reality, your mate may not be judging you at all. You may simply be feeling judged due to your past. Take a moment and determine which perceived judgment is stopping you the most.

2. Discover your story
When someone says something to you, you can only feel judged if you have a story about yourself that is in alignment with the statement that has been made. A story is self talk that includes past experiences, beliefs, and ideas about ourselves. So what is the story you have that is making you feel judged by your mate? Uncovering this requires that you be completely real and honest with yourself and not blame another for your feelings. Sometimes it's tricky to find the story behind the judgment because only a small part of us believes in the story, while the rest of us has grown beyond this story. For instance, let's say that you feel judged for being lazy and watching too much TV. While part of you may think, "I don't really watch too much TV", another part may actually feel like you should be doing something more constructive like working out. This later feeling may stem from a mind-story about how important working out is for the body-mind, while TV is a waste of time.

3. Find Out the Truth
Once you know your story, it's important to find out from your partner how he or she really feels, and if a judgment is being made at all. The easiest way to do this is to simply sit down and use this format to ask him or her. "When you say (fill in the blank), I feel judged. What is your truth? How do you feel about me and this situation?" For instance, perhaps you feel judged for not doing a good job of taking care of your children. You could say to your mate, "When you asked why the children watched a movie today, I felt like you were judging me and not thinking I was a good Mom." So how do you really feel? Why are you asking this question?"

After you ask this question, it's very important that you remain quiet and let your mate respond back without interruption. Most of the time you will be surprised at your mate's response. Many of the statements that may sound like judgments to you are actually simply a reflection of your mate's need for something to be different or a personal concern. In this situation, your mate might respond with, "I simply want to make sure that the children get enough interaction with other children and that's why I asked."

4. Focus on the Desired Outcome
Behind every feeling of being judged, there is a desired outcome lurking some where. I would suggest that together you and your mate discuss what you both want to see happen with regards the situation that is fueling the perceived judgment. In the not feeling like a good Mom scenario, perhaps you and your mate simply need an agreement about how many movies your children may watch per week. Or with regards the example of watching too much TV, what do you as a couple really want? Perhaps your spouse wants to do something else in the evenings besides watching TV. This needs to be discussed. Or maybe you secretly want to start working out, yet haven't figured out how to be motivated to do so. The important thing here is to simply make sure that you work out an agreement where both of your true desired outcomes can be met.

5. Validate, Validate, Validate
The more you hear words of praise and love, the more you feel loved by your mate. It's really very simple. Sometimes, validation has to been jump-started because it may not be a habit that the two of you have cultivated as a couple. I suggest that you take 10 minutes with your spouse if you are in a partnership or with a friend, and practice validating and appreciating each other. Take turns saying what you love about your mate, and why you love that. Speak from the heart as you look into their eyes. Let the true feelings of love you have from them flow out and touch their hearts. The energy of love will quickly heal and erase any feelings of being judged that they might have had.

Enjoy this process and please do add comments to this blog.

Many blessings to you!

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